Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
