You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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