You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
operation have a gay friend backfired
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
