i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
