is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
