The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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