well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
