i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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