Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Randomize
