Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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