i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
