She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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