Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
