Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
