in pain and im wearing pink underwear
i dont own pink underwear
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
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I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
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My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself