i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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