Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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