lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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