So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
