I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
