imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
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I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
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I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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