I can text with my tongue
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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