Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
