lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
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I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
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I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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