I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
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HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize