Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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