dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
