She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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