you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
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Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
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I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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