in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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