he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
