i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
