So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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