You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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