Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
