Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Floor bacon is actually really good
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
