I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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