I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
