Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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