not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
