Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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