Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
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i want to swaddle you in tequila
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
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I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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