Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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