yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
