I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
