even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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