i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
