I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
