My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Randomize
