life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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