I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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