So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
