sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
