mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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