Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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