Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
