My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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