Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
