I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
